Brethren

kindred spirit

one to smile

laugh and cry

like a star

so beautiful

bright and endless

my heart

fills greatly

with happiness

a cool fall

lightly brushes

my soul

when your hand

touches mine

chaotic yet orderly

does my mind

settling only

when you are near

overwhelming you are

my kindred spirit

yes you are

forever shall

the stars

peer upon you

with loving eyes

in loving memory of my mother,

Matilda Diane Bonnell

Mom How do I live without you?

Just about this week

Well its been a few days since I posted...Grr..i've had to work all week and my lap top is off to HP people to get fixed. So i am stuck with coming to the desk top for my p ost... BLASPHEMY!

Work has been good my stepmom i sback at work so all the lazy ppl are now forced to work hehe...I loves it!hmm sunday I was off me and gary went and had fun before he went to work..which the lunch we had made him sick so he was at home with me :) I loved it. So i chlled and played gears of war that me and him are playing.

I've beenon rock band 2 alot also. Hmm... so i also ended up crashing sunday also after giving gary many kisses before bed.

Monday....lets see i was hoping for a nite alone but no cigar...Al was home.. BUMMEr I miss days when i could come home and NO ONE be here. Sigh one day it will just be our place again. lol

Tuesday....went grocery shopping after work. I got liz to go with me so I wouldn't be alone. She was asleep oops i woke her up :) We had chicken brocoli alfredo and wine. Yellow Tail Merlot is a good wine. Strong but a good wine.

Wednesday...well I got paid and was froggy so I came home and got my sister to get her but dressed and off we went. To the mall...I bought these awesome boots from HOT TOPIC..omg they were cute. Soft leather with the lace up the outter side. I've been drooling for months over these boots so I finally said **** it and I got them. So after The mall and the rather serious scare I had of loosing my phone. Thank god someone at the service desk had it. I was like great now i will have to take my boots back just so I can get a new phone! CRAP>..but i lucked out it was at the service desk.

We then decided to go to Las Bandaras to eat. Well......this was Hilarious because our waiter seemed to be infatuated with me. He could not understnad I had a boyfriend and wasn't leaving him anytime soon! THen he was like you know spanish. I was like very little------>big mistake...i should have said no....god...dude was on me crazy....finally he takes our order and leaves. He comes back and continues to flirt. I am like omg go away but instead I smile and am like thank you. At the end of the nite he is like you want a to go box we are like yes please. Then he asked me do you want to take me home? I was like um no you would so get me in trouble!

After there we went home and changed our shirts (we were in our corset style shirts from HOt TOpic we decided to wear them bc we hardly wear them when we go out) off to books amillion we go. I fill in my lovely moleskin i got in the mail and we have coffee and chill.

Ah and for yesterday..me and my step mom jo went out. I took her out for her birthday. We meet at the mall. We had our nails done and she was so tickled I showed her the place. Its 10 bucks more there but the nails it self are better because of the fact the white tip isn't painted on :) she loved that. So after Our nails we were like FOOD so I showed her another new place to her....the little buffet place in the mall... *brain fart* I so can't remember the name...grr... but its a chinese place. We ate and was like omg good@ she wants to take my dad there one nite. I think he will love it ;)

Then we decide after food we need a hair cut...her a cut me a trim. They had remodeled master cuts (i get my hair cut here all the time) plus there was a new staff added...a guy named Warren cut our hair. He was very serious about our hair..he washed it and then cut it. I never get my hair washed lol... curly hair and it is picky! but he so got my hair back kinky again! Wee... he pretty much man handled my hair but omg it looked great! So here we walked in feeling bleh and walked out feeling like new women!

Ah lets see...oh yeah I got gary out of bed...after I read my mail from my friend Maiju...short letter but worth reading :) It was nice to get a letter from her. I have to finish my letter to Kristy :) then I need to send my friend Jacinta a letter :) I loves my friends who are all around ;) Getting mail is so awesome when its from someone new and from a different niche in the world !

Ah after kicking gary out of bed we got ready to go out (i is almost broke lol) Liz had some friends over so we chilled a bit before going to CJ's pub and pool and shooting a couple of games of pool...and oh Gary so lost his shirt ot me in pool...i won 4 out of 6 games :)

Hehe he is grumpy now..i took his pc to do my journal post lol hehe....oh well...oops on the 360 he goes POUTS we were suppose to go out today.... grrr... boys!Well I guess I will go I am hungry and wants food so I think i will get in my kitchen and create a new dish or somethign random!TTFN

Reflections of 2008

I know perhaps I should have done this earlier but work did not permit that. SO lets see... my year of 2008...

Hmm, we lived with Gary's dad in January which lasted until March... we had moved in prior to that in 2007. Things were good, I left my job to help his dad which I found to be a complete disaster on my part.

We moved to Valdosta at our current house....We've been here since May.

Things money wise has gone up adn down. Sometimes so badly it frightened me.

I managed to keep us a float. Which was good. Me and Gary almost split up this year...we had a very bad fight. We found out though that we are happy together and no matter what we fight over its not worth losing what we've got.

Which brings us to the happy news of my 2008, which was Gary proposed to me in February.

Unfortunately just as my year was growing better, it was darkened greatly. My Mother, Matilda, grew very ill. She had a stroke the day after my birthday in October. She soon grew worse and I had to make the most awfullest decisions a child should ever have to make. My mother died the week before her birthday/Thanksgiving Day. So now my heart is still very hurt ....tonite me and my sister were talking of my mom.... I miss her and so does my sister...what happens when you lose your best friend and mother?

My step mom and my dad they have finally came back to me..due to my divorce to my retarded ex...he turned my family against me. Now they have realized how stupid he was almost 5 years later....*grumbles*

I managed to get back in school this year and start on masters in education. so that is a positve thing... I ended this last semester with 3 B's and 1 A :) I hope to do even better next semester which starts teh 14th of this month.

My poor car is still running...which is an amazing thing... *grins* one day I will get everything fixed on it lol...it needs new headlights, speedometer, new tires, wind shield wipers.....so yeah that is just the tip of the ice burg...

Hmmm.....lets see..ah yes I have a job....Its not much but it is a job. I work at a deli in a super market here in Valdosta. My boss is my step mom which isn't a bad thing.

I've read many books....but during school its mainly text books lol...

Hmmm... i really can't think of any thing else to place...this is the abridged version lol

I am the empress of evil(december 31st post)

OMG I have been so bleh lately. My laptop went on the fritz, so I've been trying to get it up and going. I've not posted about my Holidays yet. So lets see, Christmas day was very good. I loved my gifts I got! My mum and dad got me a picture box to store my pics in and a lock box to lock up money when i need. Hmmm but isn't that what a bank account is for? And she got me some awesome stationary! it is beige and red with a red dress on the edge...i love it the dress looks like something I would wear. *squees*

I got some awesome stationary from friends and some really cool buttons! My switch gifter at work gave me a cheese cutter set and a pretty necklace set from Avon. BUt it was nice.

I have been sick this past week still don't feel so up in the weather. I am seriously not wanting to go to work tomorrow. I slept in way late today and well its seriously messed up my sleeping schedule.

Work has been ok, my step mum is on vacation so the lazy people don't really want to work. Which pisses me off because when i am there, I am the one who all the work is thrown on. *grumbles*

Things have been odd because I seem to be off railed. I make messes left and right. . . . I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I seem off I don't know.

I know I will be glad when I am back on track.

Tonight I wanted to talk to my friend Matt. But I don't knwo why? Perhaps in a sense I am missing talking to him more than I thought I would.

I have also set today on my day off and watch tv all day. Silly I know but hey....it is something to do that requires no thought.

I got into watching the Secret diary of a Call girl......8 episodes 24 mins a piece. Interesting show.....then it made me think that boy I need to work out more..... damn you Billie Piper....and you're flat tummy and nice ass *cries*

Well I need sleep and a hot shower before work at oh...lets say 10am and its like oh....3 am now...god i need sleep.....

oh the line up in the subject...hehe guess where that came from? Its a movie.... :grins: one that I love to watch adn laugh at.

Bleh day

I guess today was ok. We were extremely busy at work. We ran around like mad people.

My brother came up and saw us and it was awesomeness! He is looking more and more handsome everyday. But to find out today he is a married man! OMG my brother got married! Her name is Megan I think. I was like um...well ..

Then my step mom was like oh you both did this @8%$ to me looking at me and my older / younger brother....I was like don't make me the bad example lol...I told you about my second marriage...

Now for my rant..omg I really don't understand the point of ...never mind I won't rant about that it will get me quite upset!

Well i need to shower and get dinner cooked!@

This last Saturdayh

Ah last night it was so funny!...O.o

Ah well let me rewind for a moment... I had to go to work until 6pm. So after I get off work I grab Melba and Bill's presents before we go over. SO I decide heels, jeans and a blue shirt. So now I was all fresh and no longer smelt like the deli I decided to head on over. Grabbing Garlic bread and out the door...as we pull up to The Newmans....you hear teh radio blasting....and before we get out of the car I was like Oh gosh Bill has started early lol.

We walk into the door he goes Want a drink? The man was already lit lol.

So Gary gets a drink Melba saves me, off on an errand we go. We go up the The Warehouse to pick up some rum for Gary, Captain Morgan Private Stock is his poison. So while there we aer talking about how you drink it. Melba is like we don't have mountain dew because I told her it was good with dew. Then she is like we don't water down our boo's I am like uh uh I don't drink straight up chicka bad news. Get drunk that way and thats and uh uh here. A couple of guys over hear us and since she emabarassed me earlier i egged teh guys on a bit lol. Why not...flirt back :) Good news on that trip I found 5 bucks on the ground :).....

Back at the house the boys were well into the grilling and alcohol and us girls come in to fix ours. Low base Bloody Mary's...yummy celery, olives and onions....they were so yummy. We only put in a shot in mine and an 1/2 shot in Melba's. We had dinner and after dinner we set around and yakked about this and that. THe boys drank and me and Melba pretended to drink lol. I had straigh tomato juice after a while just spiced up with seasoning.

Around midnight Bill crashed so we came home with our to go plates and goodies we got from them as usual...some hwo I ended up with a mixer? O.o

well that is my saturday in a nut shell :)

Today December 22

Today wasn't that bad... work was busy as usual. *Ouch* sorry hit my head on the wall. I am sitting here in my bed about to crash again....took a power nap earlier....

I spent my lunch at the house and me and Nessa managed to convince Gary to open his gifts and our gifts early. We will ahve to take her back home early Christmas eve. I loved the look on their faces when they got their presents!
Nessa got a webkin pegasus, a stuff teddy bear, a make your own bracelet kit and 2 baby dolls. She loved them...her daddy got a wet/dry electric shaver, a massager and a 1 GB jump drive.

I got a terry robe that is longer than my tink one I got last year, a purple scarf that I love, Tinman series and the new LKH book Swallowing Darkness.

Hmm WORK: work was ok besides me walking around like a zombie. I was sooo tired. I didn't sleep well last nite. Maybe tonite will be better. We were busy.. "cheap chicken monday" *grumbles*
People wait until the last hour to want ot buy chicken... stupid people. But it is ok.. because I left at 7Pm lol. Oh one of the managers came to the deli adn was like who is working the back? in a grumpy mean way (don't think he likes me) I was like me and he was liek you have supplies on teh floor by the bailer..the guy who was warming his food up was like um no their stuff is on a rack in their back room. I was like there HA you shouldn't come over here and try to get on to me because of something I have no clue about. *so wanted to call him a not to nice name* but didn't....

I get home fall asleep on couch, take shower, eat, and then here I am an hour later getting ready for sleep...so heres blip for the day!

RUde...never

Hmm the point of this is to wonder why do people get jobs in customer service related jobs who truly hate waiting or serving people? I work at a deli in a supermarket part time. It gives me a bit of spending money and isn't that big of an deal...but there are people who come in that have had a crappy day and will be cranky no matter what. So what should you do?

NO...not be cranky back. Just smile and keep your inner monologue to your self. But yet there are people who do not...which therefore makes the day even worse.

Now in the back at the deli and bakery we have things that we do not cook alot of because well they do not last or do well under the heat as other prepared food..SO it only takes 4 to 5 minutes to prepare it, so when a customer ask for it, don't give them the fifth degree on it.

Now for the girls up front at the registers I think they are part robot. No word just blank stares and constantly same movement....hmm shouldn't you greet the customer and make a small talk that will make them feel a little bit at home? Talk to them not at them.

BUt ah here I am understanding this which I knwo what my job is adn what it was goin to be when I went into the job, did these girls not understand. Hence 5 years ago when I was in teh military (off subject but funny)...a girl asked the sergent, "Are we gonna have to go to war?" The sergent was like, "NO we are gonna make cake! Of course you are gonna go to war you are in the military?"

But that is my little rant lol. NOw i am looking at my other half like he is crazy lol. He doesn't understand I would like to post my blog and by him being silly lol I have forgotten my train of thought.

(thanks honey when you read this)

BUt about ppl and customer service ... if you don't like people don't get the job stay home or go work on an assembly line or something and let someone hwo wants to work with people have the job.

endless ache

when i think deeply in my room the darkness engulfs me
fallin endlessly in the abyss
whispers caress my skin as they prickle each sensor
the slumber lingering near me is the smell of lavender as the smell devours the air
warm drops touch my skin as i look down astonished at the endless ache
the ache creeps up from my bones into my soul
filling my stomach it seeps into my lungs
anchoring deep filling my lungs full with a rage filled cry
opening my mouth to scream from the burning that creeps through me
yet i sit quietly smiling, looking on with an occassional laugh

asthetics to those that look upon
unknowing of the storms that wage inside of me
anxiety leaks into me like toxic waste seeps into the earth

fear grasps me like a thief in the night when I awake again with you standing at the end of my bed..

a nightmare I thought long gone...but not forgotten.

Behind Closed Doors

Have you ever thought on sex? On what it means to have sex or the meaning of two people being together? Should sex be something just for procreation or should it be something two people do to show how they feel about one another. Ah then when you realize this-does the flame between the two people burn brilliantly or is it fast and hot only to die out quickly after the heat has left the flame? Ah sex in some relationships remain basic, then some have intriguing fullfilling sex lives where they can not find and end to their hunger for each other. But then there are the relationships where the couple loves each other greatly yet out of the time they are together their sex life went from hot embers to that of smoldering coals. Still hot for each yet it seems there is a staleness to the passion. Just as coals in a fire you must stir them up once in a while to allow air to reach them so that they may burn brighter and even ignite again. But the issues that insues in this relationship is the male is all but willing to be with teh woman yet, he is timid about showing this to his woman. The woman has told her lover many times it is not she is not attracted to him just not attracted to the way he introduces himself for a eveningof pleasure. Women usually do not do well when they become bored with a scenario in their life or behind doors. Women love to have a bit of play in the room or else where. Then there is the timing...do not wait until it is time for sleep because if one is reading theirselves for bed, this does not necessarilly mean they are game for sex because they are in bed. But alas men must view this as the only time for "making love".

Ah my rant is done for now..perhaps I will write more on this later. For now I must go to bed it is late and I have work tomorrow.

Lucky day

Today was my first nite working with my step mom at the deli today. I am so tired. I got some cleaning done today-even though now i want to go to bed. i really don't want to spend time with gary atm. I just want to sleep. I love him i just am tired and want to go to bed that is all.

Day out at Grand bay

Today was a day of fun and happiness for me. My honey took time off to make me feel better due to all
the mess that has happened with my mum and me trying to get school finished this semester. At first I will admit I was very rebellious of teh idea of him being there with me, but I have seen that it is the greatest thing he could have done.
We decided today to go out and have fun just us. I wanted to be up and about around lunch time, but the puppy we are keeping kept me awake off an on. His name is Bruiser, he is my old chiuhuahua that my roomie has now. We roommated years ago, but her and Bru were inseperable so she took Bru and I had my kitties. :) So he has two mommies one who he visits off and on and the mommie he lives with permenantly. So the sleep I got today felt good. So around 3pm we grabbed food then, Gary was like Grand Bay. We need to go to Grand Bay we've never been so lets go. So we went. It isn't something overly exciting, unless you are into Parks like we are. We both love nature-what can we say I am a Kitchen Witch at heart and he I guess You could say is Shaman like lol. He makes me think of a medicine man at times..he heals alot of my wounds emotionally where no one else could. Even though, he doesn't always get me, he can make me smile even when I don't want to.

We walked the trail and took some really great pics. But the most exciting of it was the tower. We both don't care for heights But OH MY GOD! the view was amazing. It was worth every step up to the tower. As we went up the tower I remembered the last tower that I went up I came down by rope..repelling lol. I loved it...wouldn't think someone with teh fear of heights would enjoy repelling. I would love to do it again too...but learn more about it than what I was shown in the military. Today was a good day, we ate KFC...which I was craving, and NO I am not pregnant. I just crave food lol. Part Italian, Scot, German, Irish and 2 different Indian-yes I love food. I may be a mutt- but I love the fact that my family has a broad culture :)

This is the pic I chose for my blog, my others will be up soon for viewing but I just wanted to tell of my day. We even took some great sky shots on the way home. I really didn't want to come home tonite but what choice did we have... GO TO BOOKSAMILLION...yeap that is right lol. Before coming home we went by BAM, found my truffles I have been looking for...a very yummy truffle. But we had a cup of coffee me a gingerbread latte and Gary a mocha. Then we raided the books. I resisted the temptation to buy a new journal lol. I am just a journal nut. I lvoe journals always have. But when funds run low you have to back off the addiction lol. But soon my precious you will be mine... (oh sorry that wasn't suppose to come out)

But here we sit at home, with our creative aspirations flying high and the list of new books for me to scavenger the net for :) yes... why buy them from the store when you can buy them offline cheaper....I mean sometimes you must buy from the store and not offline...offline shopping is evil....i mean the greatest thing they ever came up with :)

Well I must let this be...I have much more to do...pics to upload....things to think on...and perhaps another blog entry on this weekend with posted pic of my step daughter Anneiyssa and her daddy :)

Craziness pursues

I haven't blogged in a bit because well life happened. As i've said before my mother became ill-well a week before her birthday which was Thanksgiving my mother passed away. Which then ensued many troubles after this-buring a family memeber is the roughest thing you can do. But it doesn't help when you start having issues within yourself which brings on much much more drama in your heart and life that is not needed. So I have been trying to endure much issues from myself and those around me.

My friend who is in florida sometimes i wonder- it is almost as thou I am his girlfriend or that he is overly friendly i don't know. Anyways it is a pain when youw ant to talk to someone but can't. I haven't spoke to him on the phone in a week now and well its kinda hard because i have my other half home with me-they do not get along. So its keep the one you live with happy and try to understand why the one who should be your friend should understand when youare in a commitment you can't just forget who they are or take them for granted. I learn this everyday because i screw up alot lol.

Its hard to be me sometimes...but oh well...

classes are at an end, i have an exam downloading now and one on monday i have yet to study for and now have a house full so its gonna be very difficult to study especially with little ones running around. And now i know why I am so tired and bleh...

on a good note i do have a part time job now. Its working in a deli but it is a job that will give me a little money in my pocket that is mine :) i am happy for that. So well i guess i better get on my exam and to bed soon because i am very tired.

Chilley day

Today things have been well besides me being overly chilley. Gary was ill today. Which now he seems to be better which is good. Perhaps he had a small case of food poisoning. Oh well-he is good now. Found out his little one will be over this coming weekend. I am excited an not. I am because I love to see her, not because I fear I will not be able to spend as much time with her and her daddy due to school work. But perhaps I can manage to fannangle time in there.

Me and my sister seem to be doing better. I don't know what has happened but we seem to be better. I hope it is not short lived.

My mothers pictures were salvaged thank goodness. I placed the more important ones on the walls tonite so they will not be in a box. Ah well it is late and I have been up beyond my bed time. *bad me* I didn't realize the time until it was awfully late.

Events of Late

Seeing my mother actually in a place that I know they will care for her, eases my mind greatly. Before I was worried due to the fact i was so far from her but now..distance isn't and issue. She is but a few m inutes drive from our home.

I have been ill, severe pain in my knee from the running injury I have acquired. HOpefully rest over the holidays will make that better. Friday I was ill feeling and ended up in such pain that I laid in bed for hours wanting sleep. Sleep came briefly however due to the pain seering through my knee I woke up in tears. Icey hot, 2 pain pills and a ibuprofen made things bearable adn finally around 10-11am I dozed off to sleep until 4pm. So saturday was slept away on medicine. Still feeling under the weather I did not go to see my mum. Today I have felt a bit better, so perhaps tomorrow it will be safe to go and visit.

My brothers stopped in to see me. It was nice to see my brothers Ty and Ryan. I miss them so much. Sometimes I wonder if they love me but today answered that. My youngest brother Ty gave me such a tight hug. I knew he loved me-well they hung out for a bit.

I have finally managed to get my desk into my bedroom instead of my hope chest.

I have alot ot do and think of so I guess I will end this post for now. There is alot I want to post about but I need to give thought and make time for it.

Broken heart

It is strange when you think only the people you are in love with can break your heart. Ah but those who you care about you can have your heart broken by them also.

Tears sit patiently wanting to trickle down my facw with the thought of how hurt his words sounds when he writes to me. How he felt i did not care, how he was fed up with everything. Of how I neglected him. Silly me never realized i neglected my friend.

But I did and now I pay the same price he did. I want to talk to him, to hear his voice and us talk as we use to. But that probably won't happen again. Soon it will probably be good bye for good. Sometimes I think it would be for the best. sometimes i think i should have never gotten close to him at all. It was taboo anyways.

I can not fix what is broken. This will never be the same-this relationship of promises has failed. He no longer expects anything from me and I've lost hope in him.

Sad-but there is nothing to be done. I am losing my mother to and illness and i have lost my close friend to ignorance. My life is so grand.

It finally rained. . . .

For the past week my little weather gadget has said there was going to be rain. Hmm...finally it rained but it said no rain today just clouds. LOL. Hmm..I'm in a weird mood. I need to clean my room and do laundry. I may actually burn some candles and such tonite. Its been awhile since I have actually done anything with my altar. Maybe tonite would be a good time to do so.

I think some jasmine would go well with the rain smell comign in from my back door. I have alot I want to do and I think tonight would be a good night to make those list and get my life on track. I've always wondered when I would wake up. Never thought it would take the loss of my mom to wake me up and realize I can't waste my life.

I love those who are around me. I love my little sister. I adore her with all my heart and want to see her be happy. But I seem to always miss just being a big sister. I am not her mother-even thou I have had to be. Now I don't know if I can do anything anymore. I am loosing alot. I feel like I fall into darkness constantly. And who will there be to pull me out? This I wonder so much. Perhaps I should just fall and not worry about it. But can I do that? Can I just let go? Can I just freely fall without worries of what will happen? I don't think so. But I guess I could try. I don't know anymore who I am or what I am doing-I am just moving on as much as I can in hopes that I will find a strong footing somewhere and then be able to continue walking in life.

Being a Big Sister

Sometimes I wonder why I get to be the oldest? It kills me when I see things and wonder boy should I say something. Like now my younger sister she has problems with relationships and I always see her latch onto either people way younger than her or older than her. Now she has friends who are older than her, and quite frankly one of them mothers her a bit too much for me. I wish for her to have friends closer to her age that do not have children. My sister is 19 and I think she should have friends closer to her and try to find friends who have similar interest as she does. But when I try to talk to her she gets all touchy about it. I tell my roomie adn boyfriend I can't talk to her about it bc she will take it the wrong way. And yes she takes adn took it the wrong way.

Go figure.

I hear her say she wants this and she wants that- well she doesn't understand to get that you need to get out of the house and be with people closer to your age group. Yeah I love she has friends but she doesn't need friends who can't help her grow. When you are with people older than you sometimes it is a negative thing, because they have done the things that younger people should do already and don't care to do it again. I am 28 and one of my closest friends is 50. Its nice to talk and hang out with her from time to time but sometimes I find myself kind of smothered. But when I hang out with people closer to my age it is different.

I wish my sister would realize why I am pushing for her to make friends with people closer to her dreams. How will she ever know what it is to be a teenager if she doesn't have teenage friends? Oh well...I guess it doesn't matter. She will do how ever, but her one friend will not be allowed in my home again until I figure out what it is about her that irks me and my boyfriend so much. There is something that we both do not like and therefore do not feel comfortable with her in our house.

I don't know. This was a rant....I guess I will go for now. Sigh...big sister HA I guess I am the EVIL Sister.

!

It is strange when you find a friend who people find to be a friend you do not need. This friend is bad news they make you think wrong things? Is it wrong to question your life? Is it wrong to question if you are happy? I think not.

I have many friends who care for me. It is ok if these friends are girls. But once a guy friend says he cares he is bad news. Hogwash! Is what I say. Ah if I was to be wrong then fine, let me be wrong. But let me be right when I can be.

Is it wrong to want to have someone to talk to that does not care how you are or what you say? That they let you cry or scream or yell or even think thoughts that aren't ladylike and not question you. Someone who doesn't want doesn't want you for sex-but for a friend because just as you they are lonely.

But since I have someone I am not suppose to be lonely. But how can I not be lonely? how can teh one I love not be lonely? We are not in each others life each day. We have very few days we can be together adn then sometimes we are not together.

This last Thursday, my love made me blissfully happy. He cuddled me and stayed by my side no matter what only to leave briefly. I felt like a princess-I do not knwo what made him change but he did. He was there doing the things I want him to do the most. Be by my side. Making the pain go away. To help chase the demons back into the darkness, helping keep my head above the river of pain inside. Yet that happiness was short lived-Friday the pain and evilness came back. Again I became the person I hate. Someone who pushes everyone that I love away in anger-I can't do anything about it but watch helplessly as I hurt their feelings without thought until the words are stated.

Now I sit wondering now-what do I do? My friend called tonight. His voice was nice to hear. Yet it brought some pain with it. I have hurt him also and claim it doesn't matter that I hurt him, when it truly does. he has beared many nites of my crying and relenting on the pain inside. Without question or fault he listened-until my heart was cleared and nomore tears could flow. He listened.

Ah-things are so crazy. I have no one that understands-yet do I really understand?

Politics and Crashing family walls

I am not a political girl, I follow the politics because one day it will be history. Wanting to be a history teacher, I find it best to look at both sides. Ah McCain or Obama, well we have Obama-there are many reasons he won and McCain lost. Perhaps Obama reaching out to those who he thought matter most pushed him to win pass McCain. Obama brought the younger generation into the spot light and managed to make them active in the election....and then he targeted the lower classes, the ones who are looked passed so many times that they felt insignificant..but Obama made them feel important again. Many look at Obama as the first black man in the office..not the best canidate to be there. Yes he is a black man-but does his race matter? Is anyone truly "white" anymore? If we look over the years and colonization of this land-we are all mixed with some foreign blood. You look at and Irish man and don't call him white-you say he's Irish- It doesn't truly matter- look at my heritage- I have German-Italian, Scott-Irish, Blackfeet and Cherokee Indian in me. So in theory I am not white, I could be Indian-but my Scott-Irish heritage comes out strong in my appearance. So would I be considered white?

But enough on politics...I just had to get that bit out of me for a bit...Perhaps due to the events taking place in my life now the politics and propaganda floating around is a way of taking my mind off the things that haunt me daily.

My mother isn't doing very well. She has worsened. From hemorrage stroke to having cluster strokes. My mother's illness was no surprise but the threat of it and the condition it had gone to was a surprise. I had no idea she was as ill as she was. The doctor she had was a quack and refused to properly treat her or spend teh time to find out why her hypertension was so bad. If only I could ensure his liscense be revoked I would. But that would not bring my mother back to full health, laughing and playfully arguing with me and my sister.

Now my mother lies in a hospital, a trachea tube in her throat and a feeding tube down her nose...her mind gone...her body swollen.....a sight that no child should see their parent in. I am the oldest So I have to be the strong one. But what am I suppose to do?

Everyday in front of everyone I have to be strong, being the one to say no-this is what is wrong. Answering all the questions of the officials who need to know the situation. Replaying my mother's image each time like a broken movie reel. All over and over-until the end of the night I go to my room. Solitude that isn't so solitude....her image haunts me -her voice rivets my silence. All I want is someone to understand-All i want is someone to hold me and let me cry. Let me be weak for a moment-to be the child that is loosing her mother....but no I do not get that.

I don't want this responsibility. I don't want to be the one to choose the things to be done. But who is there that could do it besides me? Who would not be selfish and choose wrong? Who would only worry about her and her care? Not any of her family. No her sister wants to put her in a facility that isn't rated well at all. Because it won't put out anyone. I laugh at her-HA. Won't put you out, they never saw her when she was well and living in the same town. So why worry about where she is now? Guilt? Wanting forgiveness? Ah perhaps-but she won't be giving that. Not to anyone.

I remember her touch before she got really sick. She sequeezed my hand so tight. The only hug she could give to her daughters who worried so much for their mom. She laughed with her eyes we when told her something funny. But no more. No more will we know our mother that way. Just memories that will replay with stories over adn over again.

My mother was the one I went to when things in my life made me question which way to go. Not my father-but my mom. A mom who didn't judge me for me. A mom who didn't say you are dressing like "those" people, or no you shouldn't dye your hair blue.....or no you shouldn't like that because its not economically stable. No she accepted me-she accepted my sister- we were to girls who stood far from the family mold.

But I must end this now....tears flows so steadily it is hard for me to read what I type and my heart aches so ...perhaps a hot shower and a hug will make the pain go back for awhile and allow me to smile for a bit.

Until later....