Chilley day

Today things have been well besides me being overly chilley. Gary was ill today. Which now he seems to be better which is good. Perhaps he had a small case of food poisoning. Oh well-he is good now. Found out his little one will be over this coming weekend. I am excited an not. I am because I love to see her, not because I fear I will not be able to spend as much time with her and her daddy due to school work. But perhaps I can manage to fannangle time in there.

Me and my sister seem to be doing better. I don't know what has happened but we seem to be better. I hope it is not short lived.

My mothers pictures were salvaged thank goodness. I placed the more important ones on the walls tonite so they will not be in a box. Ah well it is late and I have been up beyond my bed time. *bad me* I didn't realize the time until it was awfully late.

Events of Late

Seeing my mother actually in a place that I know they will care for her, eases my mind greatly. Before I was worried due to the fact i was so far from her but now..distance isn't and issue. She is but a few m inutes drive from our home.

I have been ill, severe pain in my knee from the running injury I have acquired. HOpefully rest over the holidays will make that better. Friday I was ill feeling and ended up in such pain that I laid in bed for hours wanting sleep. Sleep came briefly however due to the pain seering through my knee I woke up in tears. Icey hot, 2 pain pills and a ibuprofen made things bearable adn finally around 10-11am I dozed off to sleep until 4pm. So saturday was slept away on medicine. Still feeling under the weather I did not go to see my mum. Today I have felt a bit better, so perhaps tomorrow it will be safe to go and visit.

My brothers stopped in to see me. It was nice to see my brothers Ty and Ryan. I miss them so much. Sometimes I wonder if they love me but today answered that. My youngest brother Ty gave me such a tight hug. I knew he loved me-well they hung out for a bit.

I have finally managed to get my desk into my bedroom instead of my hope chest.

I have alot ot do and think of so I guess I will end this post for now. There is alot I want to post about but I need to give thought and make time for it.

Broken heart

It is strange when you think only the people you are in love with can break your heart. Ah but those who you care about you can have your heart broken by them also.

Tears sit patiently wanting to trickle down my facw with the thought of how hurt his words sounds when he writes to me. How he felt i did not care, how he was fed up with everything. Of how I neglected him. Silly me never realized i neglected my friend.

But I did and now I pay the same price he did. I want to talk to him, to hear his voice and us talk as we use to. But that probably won't happen again. Soon it will probably be good bye for good. Sometimes I think it would be for the best. sometimes i think i should have never gotten close to him at all. It was taboo anyways.

I can not fix what is broken. This will never be the same-this relationship of promises has failed. He no longer expects anything from me and I've lost hope in him.

Sad-but there is nothing to be done. I am losing my mother to and illness and i have lost my close friend to ignorance. My life is so grand.

It finally rained. . . .

For the past week my little weather gadget has said there was going to be rain. Hmm...finally it rained but it said no rain today just clouds. LOL. Hmm..I'm in a weird mood. I need to clean my room and do laundry. I may actually burn some candles and such tonite. Its been awhile since I have actually done anything with my altar. Maybe tonite would be a good time to do so.

I think some jasmine would go well with the rain smell comign in from my back door. I have alot I want to do and I think tonight would be a good night to make those list and get my life on track. I've always wondered when I would wake up. Never thought it would take the loss of my mom to wake me up and realize I can't waste my life.

I love those who are around me. I love my little sister. I adore her with all my heart and want to see her be happy. But I seem to always miss just being a big sister. I am not her mother-even thou I have had to be. Now I don't know if I can do anything anymore. I am loosing alot. I feel like I fall into darkness constantly. And who will there be to pull me out? This I wonder so much. Perhaps I should just fall and not worry about it. But can I do that? Can I just let go? Can I just freely fall without worries of what will happen? I don't think so. But I guess I could try. I don't know anymore who I am or what I am doing-I am just moving on as much as I can in hopes that I will find a strong footing somewhere and then be able to continue walking in life.

Being a Big Sister

Sometimes I wonder why I get to be the oldest? It kills me when I see things and wonder boy should I say something. Like now my younger sister she has problems with relationships and I always see her latch onto either people way younger than her or older than her. Now she has friends who are older than her, and quite frankly one of them mothers her a bit too much for me. I wish for her to have friends closer to her age that do not have children. My sister is 19 and I think she should have friends closer to her and try to find friends who have similar interest as she does. But when I try to talk to her she gets all touchy about it. I tell my roomie adn boyfriend I can't talk to her about it bc she will take it the wrong way. And yes she takes adn took it the wrong way.

Go figure.

I hear her say she wants this and she wants that- well she doesn't understand to get that you need to get out of the house and be with people closer to your age group. Yeah I love she has friends but she doesn't need friends who can't help her grow. When you are with people older than you sometimes it is a negative thing, because they have done the things that younger people should do already and don't care to do it again. I am 28 and one of my closest friends is 50. Its nice to talk and hang out with her from time to time but sometimes I find myself kind of smothered. But when I hang out with people closer to my age it is different.

I wish my sister would realize why I am pushing for her to make friends with people closer to her dreams. How will she ever know what it is to be a teenager if she doesn't have teenage friends? Oh well...I guess it doesn't matter. She will do how ever, but her one friend will not be allowed in my home again until I figure out what it is about her that irks me and my boyfriend so much. There is something that we both do not like and therefore do not feel comfortable with her in our house.

I don't know. This was a rant....I guess I will go for now. Sigh...big sister HA I guess I am the EVIL Sister.

!

It is strange when you find a friend who people find to be a friend you do not need. This friend is bad news they make you think wrong things? Is it wrong to question your life? Is it wrong to question if you are happy? I think not.

I have many friends who care for me. It is ok if these friends are girls. But once a guy friend says he cares he is bad news. Hogwash! Is what I say. Ah if I was to be wrong then fine, let me be wrong. But let me be right when I can be.

Is it wrong to want to have someone to talk to that does not care how you are or what you say? That they let you cry or scream or yell or even think thoughts that aren't ladylike and not question you. Someone who doesn't want doesn't want you for sex-but for a friend because just as you they are lonely.

But since I have someone I am not suppose to be lonely. But how can I not be lonely? how can teh one I love not be lonely? We are not in each others life each day. We have very few days we can be together adn then sometimes we are not together.

This last Thursday, my love made me blissfully happy. He cuddled me and stayed by my side no matter what only to leave briefly. I felt like a princess-I do not knwo what made him change but he did. He was there doing the things I want him to do the most. Be by my side. Making the pain go away. To help chase the demons back into the darkness, helping keep my head above the river of pain inside. Yet that happiness was short lived-Friday the pain and evilness came back. Again I became the person I hate. Someone who pushes everyone that I love away in anger-I can't do anything about it but watch helplessly as I hurt their feelings without thought until the words are stated.

Now I sit wondering now-what do I do? My friend called tonight. His voice was nice to hear. Yet it brought some pain with it. I have hurt him also and claim it doesn't matter that I hurt him, when it truly does. he has beared many nites of my crying and relenting on the pain inside. Without question or fault he listened-until my heart was cleared and nomore tears could flow. He listened.

Ah-things are so crazy. I have no one that understands-yet do I really understand?

Politics and Crashing family walls

I am not a political girl, I follow the politics because one day it will be history. Wanting to be a history teacher, I find it best to look at both sides. Ah McCain or Obama, well we have Obama-there are many reasons he won and McCain lost. Perhaps Obama reaching out to those who he thought matter most pushed him to win pass McCain. Obama brought the younger generation into the spot light and managed to make them active in the election....and then he targeted the lower classes, the ones who are looked passed so many times that they felt insignificant..but Obama made them feel important again. Many look at Obama as the first black man in the office..not the best canidate to be there. Yes he is a black man-but does his race matter? Is anyone truly "white" anymore? If we look over the years and colonization of this land-we are all mixed with some foreign blood. You look at and Irish man and don't call him white-you say he's Irish- It doesn't truly matter- look at my heritage- I have German-Italian, Scott-Irish, Blackfeet and Cherokee Indian in me. So in theory I am not white, I could be Indian-but my Scott-Irish heritage comes out strong in my appearance. So would I be considered white?

But enough on politics...I just had to get that bit out of me for a bit...Perhaps due to the events taking place in my life now the politics and propaganda floating around is a way of taking my mind off the things that haunt me daily.

My mother isn't doing very well. She has worsened. From hemorrage stroke to having cluster strokes. My mother's illness was no surprise but the threat of it and the condition it had gone to was a surprise. I had no idea she was as ill as she was. The doctor she had was a quack and refused to properly treat her or spend teh time to find out why her hypertension was so bad. If only I could ensure his liscense be revoked I would. But that would not bring my mother back to full health, laughing and playfully arguing with me and my sister.

Now my mother lies in a hospital, a trachea tube in her throat and a feeding tube down her nose...her mind gone...her body swollen.....a sight that no child should see their parent in. I am the oldest So I have to be the strong one. But what am I suppose to do?

Everyday in front of everyone I have to be strong, being the one to say no-this is what is wrong. Answering all the questions of the officials who need to know the situation. Replaying my mother's image each time like a broken movie reel. All over and over-until the end of the night I go to my room. Solitude that isn't so solitude....her image haunts me -her voice rivets my silence. All I want is someone to understand-All i want is someone to hold me and let me cry. Let me be weak for a moment-to be the child that is loosing her mother....but no I do not get that.

I don't want this responsibility. I don't want to be the one to choose the things to be done. But who is there that could do it besides me? Who would not be selfish and choose wrong? Who would only worry about her and her care? Not any of her family. No her sister wants to put her in a facility that isn't rated well at all. Because it won't put out anyone. I laugh at her-HA. Won't put you out, they never saw her when she was well and living in the same town. So why worry about where she is now? Guilt? Wanting forgiveness? Ah perhaps-but she won't be giving that. Not to anyone.

I remember her touch before she got really sick. She sequeezed my hand so tight. The only hug she could give to her daughters who worried so much for their mom. She laughed with her eyes we when told her something funny. But no more. No more will we know our mother that way. Just memories that will replay with stories over adn over again.

My mother was the one I went to when things in my life made me question which way to go. Not my father-but my mom. A mom who didn't judge me for me. A mom who didn't say you are dressing like "those" people, or no you shouldn't dye your hair blue.....or no you shouldn't like that because its not economically stable. No she accepted me-she accepted my sister- we were to girls who stood far from the family mold.

But I must end this now....tears flows so steadily it is hard for me to read what I type and my heart aches so ...perhaps a hot shower and a hug will make the pain go back for awhile and allow me to smile for a bit.

Until later....

Fighting Sleep

I know i should allow the sleep to overtake me. But what will I dream? Will it be ghost and skeletons long thought to be locked away? Who is there to protect me from my fears while I slumber soundly encased in the Dream Weavers web? Perhaps I may be strong enough to change the dreams to what I wish to be dreamt, but yet my dreams do not allow me to walk anymore. Condemned to the confines of my own mind I fear the dreams to come...ones of great promise yet turns to demise and loathing nightmares. Of those no longer here, decisions wrongly made. . .cowardice that pushes me from the ones I love so much.

Yet here I am afraid-facing the fear should make me feel stronger yet, I feel weak and unfit to be where I am. How should I continue on in life when so much has been torn asunder?

Opening of Spring a new life will be given unto me, given a new name and new way of life yet freely giving over to this change. Death looked upon me showing great change in my life, but did Death know this time his showing would mean actual death and sickness? Perhaps not but what is to be known about the cards of fate.

Do we not make our own fate? Are we not the masters of our fate and lives? Or is there something much more that is above us - a puppeteer who feels nothing for his puppets or is he a puppetmaster who feels too much for his toys?

Alas the dreams are strong upon me, how can I say good night when yet it is early day? New day soon to be....yet here I am closing my eyes to dream away what is there else for me to do, but dream.

Eyes opened Wide

Things have seem to continue to slowly go down hill in my family. My mother went from recovering soon from the hospital, to having 20 strokes in a week. She went in with a hemmoraging stroke, only to have conditions that caused her to have clotting strokes also. When we are living everyday we don't think things of this nature could happen to us. Or we are healthy enough for this to not take toll on us, especially if we are young. But we are at a higher risk than our elders. Our habits that we have formed now, will slowly begin to tell on us as we grow older. Our bodies are a temple something we should worship by taking extreme care of, yet we fail to do so by continuously stating we do not have the time to work out, we do not have the means to eat healthy. But what would hurt us to take 30 minutes of our day to walk or jog, or even go to the gym. Especially college students, if we are full time student we can go to the gym or rec center for free. All we have to do is follow a few rules. Even thou you may find it silly or menial-will you be saying that the day you are sitting in the hospital staring down at someone you love, and they could have done the same thing? There is always time its just the matter of you taking the initiative to do so. Don't wait until you see a loved one dying because of illnesses that could have been prevented-live and educate those that you love.